Re: Little Miss Apocalypse Playset

February 2016

To: LMAmerchandising

From: LMAmarketing

Hey folks, I know it’s a tight squeeze for the manufacturing deadline for the Little Miss Apocalypse playset, but we got new market research results on the pony names.

Please make the following updates on the packaging: Pestilence is now Sniffles, Famine is now Om-nom, War is now Punchy, and Death is now Bonesy. We’ll be updating the voiceovers for the show accordingly when we introduce the characters in the fall TV season.

We’ll want Little Miss Apocalypse next to Bonesy on the front packaging, since he rated highest in the ages 5-8 demographic.

I know it’s a tight deadline, but we really need to make the numbers for the holiday season! The CEO is counting on this

-Anna


To: LMAteam-all

From: CorporateResponsibility

Hello LMA team,

As part of the company-wide “Yes I Can Cuz I’m A Girl” social awareness and empowerment campaign, we need the playset to let kids actually do something functional.

We’re pulling out the chemistry kits and the My First Robot Repair toys from the edutainment line as top examples, and we’d like to tie in Little Miss Apocalypse to give the campaign a more fun vibe.

-Mac


To: LMAteam-all, CorporateResponsibility

From: LMAproductdesign

We could add accessories to the ponies. Sniffles could come with tissues laced with fake Ebola, Punchy could come with some faux vials of steroids or testosterone, and Bonesy could come with a small play-chemical kit. Little Miss Apocalypse is empowered to change the world with these tools. (Not sure what we’d do for Om-nom though.)

-Emma


To: LMAteam-all

From: CorporateResponsibility

We’d need something more functional. Could you add in components from our real chemistry sets?

-Mac


To: LMAteam-all, CorporateResponsibility

From: LMAmarketing

Mac, I love this idea! Given the manufacturing deadlines, easiest would be to repackage the chem kits as expansion packs. We’d be ready for the holidays as an extra sales boost.

The chem kit that makes hydrochloric acid is perfect for Bonesy. Now, what can we do for the other three ponies?

-Anna


To: LMAteam-all, CorporateResponsibility

From: LMAproductdesign

We could repackage two of the bio kits as expansion packs for Sniffles and Punchy, with the mild virus and the testosterone and the microscope. Still not sure about Om-nom…

-Emma


To: LMAteam-all, CorporateResponsibility

From: BusinessDevelopment

Great news! One of the show’s fast food sponsors (you can guess who) can donate meat contaminated with tapeworm eggs. That could be an Om-nom accessory, right? We’re still working through what (if any) co-branding would be appropriate.

-Greyson


To: LMAteam-all, CorporateResponsibility

From: Legal

ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGED INFORMATION

Guys, we’re very concerned about liability. We strongly recommend against live diseases, poison, parasites, and anything else with high risk of injury or death.

-Laura


To: LMAteam-all, CorporateResponsibility, Legal

From: LMAmarketing

Oh come on Laura, don’t be a downer. The danger factor has been testing very well with the kids. Besides, we’re already selling the chem and bio kits on their own through the edutainment toys department and those have each been cleared. We’ll keep testing the tapeworms, but I don’t see this as an issue.

BTW, we have a mandate from the CEO to bump up production of the Little Miss Apocalypse Armageddon Playset, which includes all four accessory packs. They’re counting on this for our yearly sales goals.

-Anna


To: LMAteam-all, CorporateResponsibility

From: Legal

ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGED INFORMATION — URGENT SAFETY ISSUE

After demoing the first few Little Miss Apocalypse Armageddon Playset kits for retailers, we’ve found a critical issue. The virus is airborne — not an issue on its own (we QA’d the bio kit) but when it’s near an open container of testosterone it becomes a superbug that kills dogs. When exposed to the hydrochloric acid in the chem kit, it affects humans too.

WE STRONGLY ADVISE TO SHIFT THE PRODUCT DIRECTION.

-Laura


To: LMAteam-all, CorporateResponsibility

From: Legal

ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGED INFORMATION

Update: we’ve found an antidote for the superbug, but this does not change our recommendation.

-Laura


To: LMAteam-all, CorporateResponsibility, Legal

From: LMAmarketing

The CEO still really wants the LMA Armageddon Playset out in time for holiday, and we’re too behind on schedule to make major manufacturing shifts. HOWEVER, I think we can solve this.

First, we put a warning on the packaging not to have LMA ride all the ponies on the same day. It covers us for legal and it gives an extra element for danger, which we believe is a top sales driver.

Second, we institute a golden-ticket-style promotion. One out of every 1,000 playsets will come with a special code for a free vial of antidote. It’ll be an additional sales driver, and if that’s not girls being empowered to make real change within their neighborhoods, I don’t know what is.

Thoughts?

-Anna


To: LMAteam-all, LMAmarketing, Legal

From: CorporateResponsibility

This ties in with both the “Yes I Can Cuz I’m A Girl” campaign, as well as the following campaign (branding TBD) which will encourage community activism.

Love it. Let’s ship it!

-Mac


Subject: LMA year-end numbers

To: CEO

From: InvestorRelations

With the stock price at record highs, I think we’ll have a great investor meeting! Some highlights before we publish earnings:

This year the LMA brand has quadrupled profits, mostly driven by the Armageddon Playset. Despite the numerous deaths and subsequent lawsuits, this is still the most profitable line for the company.

With this success, we’ll be announcing the expansion of the Little Miss Apocalypse product line at the investor meeting. We won’t reveal all the goodies, but we’ll call out the LMA Armageddon Deluxe Playset, which comes with a new stable for the ponies, the antidote, and the brand-new antidote to the antidote. If we have time we’ll also highlight the life-size educational Apocalypse Play Lab, which will come with plutonium.

We project profit growth of an additional 10x from this product line alone.

Go team go!

-Paul

About the Author

Effie Seiberg is a fantasy and science fiction writer. Her stories can be found in the “Women Destroy Science Fiction!” special edition of Lightspeed Magazine (winner of the 2015 British Fantasy Award for Best Anthology), Galaxy’s Edge, Analog, and PodCastle, amongst others. She is a graduate of Taos Toolbox 2013, a member of Codex, and a reader at Tor.com. Effie lives in San Francisco, recently and upcoming (but not presently) near a giant sculpture of a pink bunny head with a skull in its mouth. She likes to make sculpted cakes and bad puns. Find her online at effieseiberg.com and on Twitter @effies.